Revisited and going
Sometimes there is the need to make an unpopular decision and soon we will face the fact I think we cannot go to Malaysia in two weeks sadly. My wife's health has always been this issue and question and going somewhere out of Cambodia now seems a risk to me. We will have to decide soon to not pay hotels. Forget about the flights. Getting money back on cheap tickets impossible. We already spent that money. All gone.
Its funny. I had always figured it would be old age health things. Little things that meant I could not do the things I love to do. That has not happened. I walk every day, do yoga and meditation, eat less and still lose weight gradually. Instead, we always have this shadow over things we decide to do. Sometimes it reaches over to cover us. I would not wish to go to Malaysia, to a place where we have to be active every day to have her sit in the hotel room and I go out and do the things. So we reach an unpopular impasse where she will get mad but I think she knows she can't go.
It has been this way since forever with her. Like perhaps it is with lots of Khmer people and things like blood sugar and hypertension. They just don't eat well and they drink too much and smoke and then they drink more. Its a culture here of taking the beer and whiskey because its cheap and it takes people away from their problems. Instead just creates more. I see so many young people here smoking. It's just a sin really that even if they don't ever get lung cancer the effect of the habit on so many other parts of their lives is profound.
so I sit here
I always wonder when we reach some point if my wife will mention it to me. She was sick when we went to Vietnam before. To go to a place like Da Nang and sit in the room for days is not the thing to do. I went out a few days walking but we missed the day trip to Hoi An to see a person there I know and his Vietnamese wife. I always think back on that time. How it felt to spend the money but then not really do the things Da Nang is known for. We did do Bana Hills. I had prepaid for it so we went. It was my second time there. My wife's first.
Then I have to wonder when we talk about going to Singapore or Thailand. Will those things actually happen? I've given up going to Vietnam. It's easy from here and relatively cheap. A flight to Hanoi is not a bad way to spend some money. I will always want to go and see people there. Or just see the things which tug the heartstrings. I guess Vietnam will always be the soul and spirit home for me. Many times I've thought,
I could just live here forever.
Life is just so damned easy there. I told my friend David living on fixed income in Hanoi is not feeling like I am missing out. I would choose some days to live with only Vietnamese food. Down at the pho shop I visited or get some Bun Cha or a Banh Mi. I spent just about $5 a day those days. That includes the required ca phe sua da Hanoi style by the lake.
Anyways, all this moves all around. Going and revisiting going. Not going. Cancelling hotels. Then I would tell my daughter here,
We were that close
She would tell me it's okay daddy. I understand. I know how mom health is. I secretly wish TN and I would go instead. She's young and adventurous and loves to try new things. I'm old and I like those things too.
I'll just let this percolate around in the nether regions this morning and go for coffee. My wife will see a doctor today for her blood sugar issues. He will visit the house. She has this woman that helps to help her today. I'll secretly nurse some bitterness along with acceptance that we cannot do the things that we even pay for sometimes. Instead will go walk to a coffee shop I know and sit outside awhile. Take my time walking. Find some time to gather up whatever and let go whatever. Like Ecclesiastes says there's a time
to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away.
It is difficult knowing which one to do at times but I think we must throw away the idea of going.
going to coffee
See you then. A place to come and a place to leave.
So the nice walk to coffee even nicer with this beautiful morning. Perhaps the weather gods are giving us this last glimpse of cool mornings before May and the hot season strikes.
Sitting at coffee is always the win for me. It's a break to find a table and here a little different outdoor scene. Mostly Khmer people come here but they know my order. This is the place with the social mission. Each coffee also gives a percent to feed hungry Cambodian kids. Every week they do this right here. It's their part of helping. So I tip a little more here.
It's the being outdoors yet having the things with life I love to have. The peace and serenity here. No one asking to talk or what I do here. I don't personally care for talking any more. Nothing comes of it. I have to do my part and listen. I guess I'm not good at that either.
writing things
Might as well mention I only have two things left I want to do for my blog. It's all a learning experience with 11ty. Not hard. Sometimes not easy either. Having no goal or milestone or due date means I play when I will.
Writing to me should be this easier thing. Some apps want to give more. I want just the words and me. I would take IA writer if on Android. If I had an iphone it all I'd need. Instead I do things for writing that give me the words wherever. Then let me update them whenever.
final worda
My wife not happy to not go. She wants to wait until some day soon when she feels better. We agree. My personal take is it won't matter and we should cast away this stone.
Trying again is difficult. I can't find the desire now to want to go anywhere. It's not the money or the time. It's a basic holding the stone or tossing it away.
The fucking choice.
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